Can I explain something about God? He is amazing and awesome. He really is. I can’t tell you all the ways in a blog post because it would turn into a novel. One of the many (many) ways that he rocks is His timing. I don’t always understand what is happening in my life, but sometimes things happen and I can say “That was God.”
So, on that fateful August day when my doctor called and told me I had uterine cancer, at the exact moment of the phone call, my best friend in the entire universe just happened to be coming to my house to bathe. I promise, she isn’t homeless or a hippie or anything. Her husband, the most responsible man in the world, forgot to pay the water bill. And they shut their water off. For real. I can’t honestly remember much from that afternoon. I know I called Chris at work. I know I called my mom. And I’m pretty sure I dropped the c-word on Amber and ran upstairs. Sorry, Amber! What I do remember is that without her there, I am not sure what I would have done. I vowed two things that day. One, I was not going to tell my kids until I had more information, so logically, I needed a code word for talking about it. Code word ‘camel’ was born that afternoon. Two, I was not going to cry and NO ONE was allowed to cry for me. I was going to beat this.
At some point in the last two years when I was really back on track with God, I started journaling. Mostly because I have A.D.D. and I have a hard time praying, so I write out my prayers and they go on for pages and pages and pages. I put all my innermost thoughts in there. If I ever lose it, and someone reads it they are going to see a lot of my heart to hearts with God.
Funny side story, one time when I was at church I saw a journal that was the same as mine (it’s a composition notebook with a fancy design on it) and I panicked. I broke out into a sweat and was like “What is that doing here???” So I went over and opened it and it was some kid’s actual school work. I felt kind of dumb.
I love to journal because I can look back and see answered prayers and what I have been through. The day I found out I wrote this:
I can only say the amount of peace I am feeling is from God. He is amazing! I am scared and nervous and worried, of course, but I feel more loved and secure than I can explain. I WILL be okay! I am choosing to trust God! I don’t know how to do this without Him!!!
I clung to this verse from Psalm 119:116
‘Sustain me according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed.’
It was like God was telling me that I was going to be fine and to keep my eyes on Him. More from my journal:
This is seriously the most horrible and scary thing I have ever been through. There is no way I’m getting through it without God by my side. God is with me in my suffering. There is much suffering in the Bible and I know God doesn’t leave us in these times. I am looking at the Psalms of David and no matter what, he will praise God. He may be on the verge of death and he still praises and worships God.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6
Even though I was trying hard to find hope, something changed. I hit rock bottom. The enormity of having cancer consumed me. I felt broken and helpless.
I can’t describe what I have been feeling the past few weeks. I have felt God’s presence in so many ways and at the same time I feel so very far from Him. The distance is my fault – I haven’t been reading my Bible and haven’t really been praying. I feel so guilty too. There are so many people praying for me and I can’t even pray for myself. Every day I feel God’s peace. Every day I feel his arms around me keeping my fear in check. Experiencing God’s unwavering love even when I fall so short is impossible to put into words.
When I couldn’t do it anymore, God could. When I was incapable of forming thoughts into a prayer, there were hundreds of people praying on my behalf. People I didn’t even know. Brothers and sisters in Christ. About that time the new For King and Country album came out. They are my favorite band. There was one song in particular that I clung to. It was a song called Shoulders. This is the chorus:
My help comes from You
You’re right here, pulling me through
You carry my weakness, my sickness, my brokenness all on Your shoulders
Your shoulders
My help comes from You
You are my rest, my rescue
I don’t have to see to believe that You’re lifting me up on Your shoulders
Your shoulders
I felt like this song was written for me. When I couldn’t find the words to pray, this became my prayer. God used two brothers I don’t know, and will probably never meet, to carry me through my darkest time. I wish there was some way to convey to them what this song meant to me!
On October 28, 2014 I went into surgery to have a total hysterectomy. I would find out how advanced the cancer was and what my treatment plan would be. I really feel God worked a miracle in me. Despite my symptoms being like someone who was further in their cancer prognosis, I had Stage 1, Grade 1 uterine cancer. The cancerous tumor was about 1 cm in diameter. The total treatment would just be the hysterectomy. I wouldn’t need radiation or chemotherapy. I was going to be okay!
The road to recovery has been a long one. I am still not 100% back to feeling normal. I have to be patient, and in all things, continue to trust in God’s timing for my life. My ‘Word of the Year’ for 2015 is renewal.
Renewal – an instance of resuming as activity or state after a break; the replacing or repair of something that is worn out, run-down, or broken
That’s me – worn out, run-down, and broken. I am a work in progress. Each day brings a renewed sense of spirit, a little more health and strength recovered, and a worn out soul closer to her savior.
We eventually told the kids. I sat them down and told them all God had done in me and that I was cancer-free. They had questions and we gave them answers and we thanked God for bringing me through. I was afraid they would have been mad I didn’t tell them in the first place, but instead they just gave me hugs and told me they were happy I was okay. God is good that way.
I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel the sting of never being able to have another baby. I feel a small void almost every day. Instead of wallowing in self-pity and misery, God has put adoption on my and Chris’s hearts. When I see you coming with your big pregnant bellies, I feel joy. I want to hold your babies again! More importantly, I finally feel free to tell you my story. If there is anything you get from it, I hope it is this: This is a crappy, fallen and messed up world. Kids die, moms get cancer, and the world is full of chaos all around us. I could not make it one single day through this world without my Savior by my side. I’m not promising that you will have no suffering if you choose to follow God. In fact, I can almost promise you will have some trials in your life, but the difference is what we choose to do in our trials. I choose to trust in God. I believe that though I don’t understand all that I have been through, I know that my experiences and my words make me who I am. They make me strong. And they may reach one person.
God was with me, faithful, ever patient and loving, as I tried desperately to work through things on my own. He held me up, kept me moving forward, and gave me peace while I was sick. He is still with me every day, still patient as I continue to fall short, but I can’t help but feel that we’re a little closer than we were before. God’s cool like that and it is all worth having cancer for. I don’t know what the rest of my story will be. We are about to embark on the biggest adventure our family has known as we move to Atlanta at the end of the month. I do know that wherever I go, God goes before me. I also hope that the next time I hear the whisperings of the great deceiver in my ear that I back hand him down into the mud he crawled out of.
